I was born on a Sunday in late November of 1960 to a large family, and a much larger extended family. Even as my mother and I met for the first time our family doctor was standing up in church to announce that he "had finally given the Ferree's a little girl." Apparently, my parents were not the ones responsible for my gender.
During that era growing up in the church gave us a sense of belonging. It was a fairly liberal church in the pacifist tradition, similar to the Mennonite. There were frequent potlucks, Vacation Bible School and when you were down you could count on someone there to pick you up. My pastors were like my second father to me and I went to church camp where I made lifelong friendships.
!974, the year I turned fourteen, everything changed. At camp that year I suddenly developed horrific pain in my legs that never went away. Learning to adjust while frequenting doctors, I found myself desperate to have a real relationship with God. On November 17 I was baptized and became "born again."
Later that next year one of the other local churches hired a new pastor. He was charismatic and his wife focused all her attention on developing a strong youth group. I was in awe and my mother grew nervous. She, of course, saw them for who they truly were but knew I had to learn this lesson for myself.
Suddenly, I was never good enough. I didn't pray right, I didn't speak in tongues and my parents weren't raising me right. Desperate to please them I tried everything but it never was enough.
Eventually, this couple skipped town with the city's ministerial funds. I was not unhappy to see them go but that seed they sowed in me grew like a weed until it threatened to choke me.
I suspect this is probably about the same time the Evangelical movement started to take over the nation. On some level I knew it was all a bunch of nonsense and theater; but, try to tell that to a sixteen-year-old kid whose just been told the End of the World is nigh! Did you notice that the moon last night was blood red? I was certain I did. Jesus was not going anywhere without me.
As I grew older my doubts grew. I knew damn well they weren't speaking in tongues. There was always two and one was speaking gibberish while the other translated. C'mon, the translator could say anything and we couldn't refute it. After all, none of us spoke gibberish. Well, unless we were the ones speaking in tongues. I never did do it, I still thought an actual language should come out and I didn't know any except English and a smattering of French. Once I did let loose with a few words of French but someone recognized it and called my bluff. Hmph! And I called myself a budding actress! (My daughter did a much better job of pulling it off years later.)
I spent a year at a church centered college but I was always feeling like I was a stranger in a strange land. It was more liberal; therefore, more sane. I just could not wrap my mind around what they were teaching any more. Once I took my first Bible class where I learned to think critically, it was really all over.
I did go back to the church when I had kids, but primarily for the social support. By this time I would listen to the more conservative sermonize to me about bringing my kids up to hate homosexuals and experience the Holy Spirit but I certainly wasn't going to fall for that stuff again.
In 1991 my husband, children and I moved to Carson City, Nevada. We decided to try one of the local churches. By this time my health had deteriorated greatly and I was still seeking answers. Three weeks after our arrival this particular pastor called me in to tell me I was not to discuss my disability in the church. They were not there to help me through anything.
Honestly, you would think I'd have gotten the hint by this time, wouldn't you? But, I was still operating under the assumption that my own ministry was to be through the Christian tradition. I was from a small town, still pretty naive and trusting. My grandfather told me I would be ministering to others in a larger way. I knew nothing about any traditions other than the Christian. I knew I wasn't going to convert to Judaism or some other theology.
( To be continued...)
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